Historic Christmas Day Truce Breaks Out in #WarOnChristmas

In a series of spontaneous Christmas morning events that have taken place across the country, combatants from both sides of the War on Christmas have laid down their arms and ventured out of their trenches into no-man’s-land, where they met their enemies face to face and interrupted the slaughter.

Ground Zero in the War on Christmas

Apparently the Christmas holiday evoked a sense of nostalgia for family and good neighborliness, and found weary fighters sharing cups of hot cocoa and family snapshots with their enemies in the contested hallways and food courts of shopping malls across the U.S.

A century ago, in 1914, a similar Christmas day truce took place on the battlefields of World War I. General Fitzgerald A. Grinch, who commands the U.S. forces pressing the War on Christmas in the King of Prussia Mall in Pennsylvania, described the scene with tears in his eyes.

“I’ve never seen anything like this in all the many wars I’ve been in,” Grinch told reporters. “I mean, we will never give up in our national War on Christmas, but just for today, to stop the carnage and the killing for even a few hours, because, I mean, hey, after all, it’s Christmas… it’s inspiring.”

Even Starbucks stores got in on the one-day truce. Green beret baristas who’ve been ardently attacking Christmas on behalf of our nation were seen, for the first time, speaking with pro-Christmas guerrillas, and even handing out free samples. Mall Santas came out from their dug-in positions in Hobby Lobby stores to share an Auntie Annie’s pretzel or two with enemy troops from elite Happy Holidays commando units.

Tomorrow, our nation will resume its fight against the tyranny of Christmas, with Starbucks leading the charge. But for a few hours today, everyone’s common humanity is rising above it all, because Christmas.

 

 

 

Starbucks #WaronHanukkah

We thought the red cups were bad enough in Starbucks’ ongoing War on Christmas. Then the hideous polar bear cookie controversy erupted.

polar

As you all know, these hideous cookies, deliberately designed by Starbucks’ holiday season hating masterminds, depict a sweet winter-themed polar bear having had its throat slit by evil terrorists. Though Starbucks denies it, we know that their intention was for tens of thousands of unsuspecting customers to buy these cookies for their kids for Christmas, and then for their kids to freak out upon seeing what their parents were probably too busy to see: that these polar bears have been murdered and are still bleeding out.

Now Starbucks has opened a new front in this culture war – a War on Hanukkah. These seemingly innocent and religiously pluralistic gingerbread cookies were spotted in Starbucks shops across North America last week, during Hanukkah.

ginger death

That’s right. Starbucks now is taking the heat for its Hanukkah Ginger Bread Man cookies, who are supposed to be depicted wearing a tallis, but an angry group of rabbis is claiming that the actual intent of the design is to portray crazy Klansmen abducting Jewish people by grabbing them from behind. If you look closely at the area in the red circle in the photo, you can see what’s really going on in these nightmarish Hanukkah treats.

Starbucks, you don’t know what you’ve done now. You’ve awakened a sleeping giant. You see, when you went to war with Christmas, you took on a holiday featuring an innocent babe receiving blessings and gifts from visitors. Being the giant corporate bully that you are, of course you decided to attack a baby in a manger.

But Hanukkah is a whole different bag of dreidels. You’ve really overreached now. Because maybe you forgot, Starschmucks, that Hanukkah is about the Macca-kick-your-ass-abees. They were outnumbered, and outgunned (well, out-elephanted actually), but they knew a thing or two about bringing down giants on the battlefield. So go ahead, try to scare our children with your bad-dream-inducing bar mitzvah boy being grabbed by white robed thugs gingerbread cookies. We will bring you down. Your latkes are cooked.

What Must Be Admitted about the War on Christmas

You may have noticed recent news stories describing the latest salvo in our nation’s ongoing War on Christmas – Starbucks Corp has been enlisted to de-Santa-fy its Christmas themed red/green holiday season beverage containers, and has launched a shock and awe campaign designed to place nothing but plain red cups with green trim into the hands of tens of millions of customers. As the War on Christmas enters its second decade, I fear this latest attempt to turn the tide in this ill-conceived war is doomed to fail before it even begins.

Facebook is buzzing with memes claiming that the West is finally starting to win the War on Christmas, but we're not fooled. How many more lives will be lost in this campaign, launched hastily by the Bush Administration and continuing on in various guises through the current Administration?
Facebook is buzzing with memes claiming that the West is finally starting to win the War on Christmas, but we’re not fooled. How many more lives will be lost in this campaign, launched hastily by the Bush Administration and continuing on in various guises through the current Administration?

What concerns me most is that we should have won this war long ago, but we went in without enough troops, and the illegal POW camp we set up at the North Pole betrayed our values and weakened our international credibility. Too many politicians and war profiteers have lied us into this quagmire of an endless and unfinished war on Christmas.

And our traumatized troops, when they come home, what do we give them? Jobs and trauma support? No! We give them shopping malls filled with so called holiday music and decorations. But these brave men and women who’ve faced the wrath of Santa’s terrorist elves, they KNOW this holiday stuff is really just Christmas stuff in disguise.

Enemy agents from Santa's network of terror frequently sneak post cards with terrifying images like this attack cat. These cards are left in elementary schools and on playgrounds, where young American kids are frightened into thinking they not only have to say "Merry Christmas" all the time, but that they must misspell it as well.
Enemy agents from Santa’s network of terror frequently sneak post cards with terrifying images like this attack cat. These cards are left in elementary schools and on playgrounds, where young American kids are frightened into thinking they not only have to say “Merry Christmas” all the time, but that they must misspell it as well.

We should either have gone into the war on Christmas with overwhelming force and the will to win decisively, or we shouldn’t have gone in at all.

At best we’ll leave the North Pole in a leaderless mess. I know that Santa is a brutal tyrant, and that the people of the Arctic circle deserve freedom, but even if we did oust him, what kind of crazies might take over there? Everyone knows you should never get into a land war in the Arctic. Even Putin wasn’t dumb enough to make that mistake, and he’s got Siberian trained cold weather shock troops. You know who is really the winner of this endless war? The weapons manufacturers, as always. The war on Christmas will be remembered as the great foreign policy debacle of the American 21st century.