Homo sapiens sapiens v Canis lupus familiaris – Round 1

Round 1: A Contest of Wits


Location: back yard

HSS: Maurice Harris, 48 y.o., cis-gendered male, 205 lbs., horseshoe pattern baldness

CLF: “Sparky” aka “Sargent Snuggles” aka “Captain Chaos” aka “Cosmic Canine Companion” aka “Mister Furry Features,” 7 y.o., altered male, 75 lbs., pit-lab mix, brindle pattern fur

Summary of contest of wits:

Sparky attempts to dislodge the loose board on the fence gate, at the same site where he previously had head-butted the board aside and escaped the yard, running across the street to the neighbor’s front yard, where he found a child’s bouncy-ball and popped it, and then forced Maurice to chase him all over the area before finally being subdued.


Maurice, having nailed the loose board back in place and reinforced all the boards with nails, watches with satisfaction as Sparky backs away from the gate, unable to budge the board.




Maurice: Ah hah! Who’s smarter now, Captain Chaos? Huh? How you like that?

Sparky: upward innocent / bored glance

Maurice: That’s right, you can thank my bigger human brain for that, Sparks. Bigger cerebral cortex. Hammer, nails, planning, problem-solving. Mmm-hmm.

Sparky: looks away and begins to trot towards a bush

Maurice: That’s right, mister. I’m just smarter than you.

Unidentifiable voice in Maurice’s head: Maybe. But which of you is happier?

WINNER: Sparky