REUTERS – Wyncote, PA
July 8, 2019
He came into office with a bold vision and a cocky style, determined to win the hearts and minds of the entire organization and build a base of support that would allow him to hold the office of Employee Of The Month (EOTM) for years to come. Few wanted to get in his way – this talented Jewish juggernaut from Missouri with the knit kippot and delicate hands (do NOT say they’re small around him, btw.)
But now Harris’ “Camelot” has come crashing down, following weeks of allegations of mismanagement, and then a cascade of scandals that left people in the Comms department chanting “Lock him up!” and the Development team refusing to accept his donation to the staff’s annual gift to the institution.
There are many contributing factors to Harris’ abrupt downfall and failure to garner even a second monthly term as EOTM, but most analysts agree that it was his barrage of self-aggrandizing lies and the investigative journalists who exposed them that finally sunk him.
Did he actually summit Denali at age 45? It turns out no, as the Philly Inquirer discovered.
Is he actually married to the glamorous and brilliant prison-education expert, Melissa Crabbe? Have you ever actually seen her in the same room with him?
Are the Hot Pockets he stockpiles in the fridge actually vegan? They’re actually not even ingredient kosher.
Perhaps worst of all were the lies about his dating life.
It was Bryan Schwartzman of the Comms department, pursuing his own investigative leads, who uncovered Harris’ series of false boasts about celebrities he had dated. In venues such as the annual meeting of the Conference of Presidents of Major Jewish Organizations, Harris told notable Jewish leaders that he had been lovers with a remarkable list of people, including Bella Abzug, Elizabeth Taylor, Amos Oz, Gabe Kaplan (while he was playing Mr. Kotter), Stav Shaffir, and Talia Shire (while she was playing Adrian in Rocky). Had Harris limited his claims to people who are currently deceased, he may have been impossible to prove wrong. As it stands, he now faces libel lawsuits in 3 countries from Shaffir, Shire, and the estate of Oz. Alan Dershowitz has agreed to represent him.
In a desperate last act intended to win back his collapsing support, Harris spent forty times the EOTM budget to hire a professional meme creator to produce this “Recon rabbis are the sexiest…” eye-chart-style poster. These mammoth 4 foot x 6 foot posters were delivered to each employee and to all their known relatives. Needless to say, the tactic did not work, and the new EOTM, Hila Ratzabi, comes into office having to deal with the residual effects of the debt this expenditure has created.
Harris did not return our calls.