Upon Being Named Employee of the Month

June 3, 2019

Philadelphia, PA

Dear Fellow Employees (who are not employee of the month),

I am humbled and overwhelmed by this honor. As your new leader, I pledge to use this power wisely and only for the good of the organization. And now that the voices of the employees have been heard and a winner has been chosen, it’s time to put the harsh rhetoric of the campaign season behind us. I regret some of the things I had to say about my fellow employees in the blood sport that is the struggle for the peoples’ votes. Now we can come together under my guidance.

They say that some are born to greatness, and others have greatness thrust upon them. In my case, I think greatness has born itself a child and thrust that child upon the doorstep of our office building. That child being me.

employee of the month yeah baby

And though I was just a child at the time of my abandonment by that office door, I stretched with all my might to reach the doorknob, only to realize that I could actually buzz myself in with my key fob. Then I strode with pride through the hallways, past the Keurig machine, around Donnie’s office and the moldy eruption near the baseboards there, to my second floor abode where the magic meets the rubber that meets the road.

And so here we are. You have chosen me as the best among us, and I accept the grave responsibility that goes with that honor. This victory is bigger than its superficial spoils. The prime parking spot and the half-day off are nice to be sure. But it is the ability to direct our institution for the next 30 days, and the loyalty and obedience that all of you now owe to me, that moves me deeply.

We will see long-awaited changes as soon as I am given access to our accounts and financial reserves. Some of you will receive raises and recognition of a job well done. Some of you, I’m sorry to say, will be let go. The organization needs a shake-up, and I promise not to flinch from the hard decisions.

One of the first orders of business I plan to act upon is to rescind the apparently unwritten rule preventing the re-election of the Employee of the Month. I plan to appeal this arcane rule to myself, and assuming I uphold my own appeal, I will be running for Employee of the Month next month and every month into the foreseeable future. I trust that I will win your loyalty and your votes time and time again, far into the future.

To those who hoped they might have this honor, try not to be too disappointed. I will reward loyalty with kindness and fealty with honor. To those who would seek to besmirch this glorious new order with dissent, know that there is a God above who sees all and that vengeance is His.

That is all for now. You have been wonderful, and I love you. I will be moving into the President’s office tomorrow, and you may sign up to pay a visit of respect and swear your new oath of obedience beginning tomorrow after 11 am.

Sincerely yours,

Maurice, Employee of the Month

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