In what will be long remembered as the capstone of a stunning act of historical table-turning, the nation’s newly sworn in president struck what may be the final and decisive blow to end our nation’s long War on Christmas, which has now spanned two presidents’ administrations, Bush and Obama.
Both former presidents have faced criticism over their War on Christmas policies, and now President Trump hopes, with the stroke of what appears to be an unusually small pen, to break through the inertia and bureaucratic bungling that has characterized the nation’s longest and least popular war.
The Bush administration has been faulted for wrongly believing dubious intelligence sources claiming that Santa had WMDs hidden in the arctic ice – a claim that was finally proven false beyond a doubt when the last major block of ice in the arctic finally melted amid rising global temperatures 5 years ago. The Obama administration, meanwhile, which sought to extract the U.S. from the war, instead became entangled in an endless war of attrition with ESIL, the so-called Elvish State in Lapland that formed in the political vacuum that arose near the North Pole after Santa was finally neutralized by American special forces.
Trump’s surprise executive order directs all government and military agencies to find the person at the center of the entire Christmas movement, Christ, apprehend him and put him back in Christmas once and for all.
“There’s too much of this Christ-like behavior out there growing among people in this country, and we’re getting screwed because of it – the competition is reaming us,” the new president said. “You know, this weak, hand-out mentality, you know, I don’t want to be politically incorrect, but ‘oh no, they’re poor, let’s help them,’ you know – you’re sick of it, right? And then after they cash their welfare check, they’re coming and taking your jobs, and the politicians just couldn’t care less.”
Later President Trump added, “When we find this Christ, and we will, we’re going to put him in a thing I call a time box. You’ve never seen it before but it exists. The big corporations and the elites all know about it but I’m the first one to tell you about it. It freezes people into a single day of the year, permanently. It’s like putting up a wall in time around someone. And I’m the only one who has the balls to build it. Pardon my French. Anyway, once we’ve put Christ back in Christmas, where he belongs, he won’t be able to encourage Americans to act like pussies except once a year, on Christmas Day. We found out we can’t get rid of him entirely, but we can limit the damage and contain the problem. If he tries to tell people to cause his usual trouble – if he tells people to see past race and class, or tries to hang out with the criminals and crazies in John Lewis’s district, or do any of that stuff on any day other than December 25th, we’re going to put tariffs on all of it, that’s right. Nobody will be able to afford to follow this guy’s teachings.”
Trump’s executive order goes into effect immediately, but it is short on specifics. His press secretary appeared to dodge questions from reporters asking for details, though it is possible that the questions were inaudible because of the new location of the White House Press Corps, who are required to stand behind a 6 foot concrete barrier set 100 feet away from the press secretary’s podium.