Starbucks #WaronHanukkah

We thought the red cups were bad enough in Starbucks’ ongoing War on Christmas. Then the hideous polar bear cookie controversy erupted.

As you all know, these hideous cookies, deliberately designed by Starbucks’ holiday season hating masterminds, depict a sweet winter-themed polar bear having had its throat slit by evil terrorists. Though Starbucks denies it, we know that their intention was for tens of thousands of unsuspecting customers to buy these cookies for their kids for Christmas, and then for their kids to freak out upon seeing what their parents were probably too busy to see: that these polar bears have been murdered and are still bleeding out.

Now Starbucks has opened a new front in this culture war – a War on Hanukkah. These seemingly innocent and religiously pluralistic gingerbread cookies were spotted in Starbucks shops across North America last week, during Hanukkah.

That’s right. Starbucks now is taking the heat for its Hanukkah Ginger Bread Man cookies, who are supposed to be depicted wearing a tallis, but an angry group of rabbis is claiming that the actual intent of the design is to portray crazy Klansmen abducting Jewish people by grabbing them from behind. If you look closely at the area in the red circle in the photo, you can see what’s really going on in these nightmarish Hanukkah treats.

Starbucks, you don’t know what you’ve done now. You’ve awakened a sleeping giant. You see, when you went to war with Christmas, you took on a holiday featuring an innocent babe receiving blessings and gifts from visitors. Being the giant corporate bully that you are, of course you decided to attack a baby in a manger.

But Hanukkah is a whole different bag of dreidels. You’ve really overreached now. Because maybe you forgot, Starschmucks, that Hanukkah is about the Macca-kick-your-ass-abees. They were outnumbered, and outgunned (well, out-elephanted actually), but they knew a thing or two about bringing down giants on the battlefield. So go ahead, try to scare our children with your bad-dream-inducing bar mitzvah boy being grabbed by white robed thugs gingerbread cookies. We will bring you down. Your latkes are cooked.